tendafoot

Oh yeah...

2009-04-20T18:37:00.001-07:00

Jen's Pregnant.

Due date: July 15th

Life update: complete

I can't believe I didn't put this up ages ago

2008-05-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Months ago, Jen made this video. I am so slack I'm only just putting a link to it now.

SLACK!

In the sea there is a fish, a fish that has a secret wish, a wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it.

2008-03-13T00:09:00.001-07:00

Watch Juno.

Or, at the very least, check out the soundtrack.

He has my nose...Poor kid.

2007-11-04T05:35:00.001-08:00

It's funny, I didn't give a lot of thought to what it would feel like to be a dad. But I wasn't expecting this. It's like...I'm me, but...there is no but. I just feel like me. Except now there's this baby. And I love him. Sorta. In as much as you can love someone who's only been alive for less than two days and can only communicate by crying and pooing. He's my son. My little man. I know I'm gonna love him more and more every day. I've never had any experience with babies, and I'm finding the whole thing very new. I've started reading to him, and I plan to continue every day. It really in indescribable, the way I'm feeling. Happy. Disbelief. I was expecting taking care of Charlie to be more stressful, but I guess there's plenty of time for that. Like the rest of my life.

Anyway, isn't he just so cute?

Got Baby?

2007-11-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hey anyone,

Jen and I went into hospital yesterday, and eight hours later our son was born. Charlie Ryan Andrews. I know I said I'd post pictures, but I left the camera at the hospital, so they'll have to wait. Jen and Charlie are still there, but family visiting hours mean I have to come home. Bleh.

I'm a dad!

I have a son!

Words fail me.

You will all be shocked and amazed to hear!

2007-09-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

It's been a while. Like almost six months or something. What have I been up to? Hmm, well. Work. Lots and lots of awful awful work. It's gotten to the point where I'm so glad I have bronchitis. But I really don't want to write about how much I hate work. And how much I love bronchitis. Inhalers are fun, I feel like some sort of lung cripple! :D
Anyways, I finished my script, sorta, with a large amount of help from my co-writer Lewis. But I showed it to this (now ex) animation director at work who says it needs a lot of work, but he's given me a lot of pointers, and while it wasn't all easy to hear, I think the script will benefit a lot from his experience. In other news, I've decided to enrol in that writing course at TAFE I was going to do this year, but didn't. I'm going to do it part time while doing uni (assuming as always that they let me back in) and the subject I'm gonna do is scriptwriting, which I think is gonna be a big help too. Anyway, me and Lewis are gonna have a big re-write of the script one of these days. Probably after I quit. Which hopefully won't be too much longer.

Hmm, what else to talk about, what else? There was something...It's...ah, what was it? Oh, that's right!

A BABY! JEN HAS A BABY GROWING IN HER TUMMY! Want to see it? Well, that ultrasound is about four months out of date now, but it gives you an idea. So Jen and I have spent the past six months visiting doctors, hospital, turning our grubby house into a home, kicking Alan out, painting, preparing the nursery. It's blue, because our son is a boy. Jen loves Snoopy, and she's determined that Charlie will too, so his room has a very decidedly Snoopy theme to it. We've been reading pregnancy books, and attenting ante-natal classes and buying so many baby clothes you wouldn't believe.

And how does Ryan feel about being a dad? Well, I've gotta say I've never been so excited in my life. I've been reading Winnie-the-Pooh to Jen's belly. You wouldn't believe how much he kicks when I read to him. You can hold your hand to her stomach and feel him move around in there. Well, *you* can't, unless you ask first.

Anyway, I'm sure you're all shocked and amazed. Umm, I could probably write for ages, but I'm not going to so nyeh. Due date is set around the 27th of October. I'll probably do another post after that, with lots of baby pics. Hope everyone else is enjoying life as much as I am.

Cheerios.

Ryan

My last post as an unmarried man

2007-04-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

So, I'm getting married tommorow *checks watch* err, later today. It's funny, I feel sort of like I've died and gone somewhere else. I've moved on, I guess you could say. My world, I don't live in the same one I used to.

Castle Bacon sucks, unsurprisingly, but the money is good. When I work six days a week (which I've been doing quite a bit) I get about seven hundred dollars. Which is very nice. Paid for the wedding, and it's gonna help me pay off my debt to my parents and buy us a new couch. Then, maybe buy some more things, put a little away for saving and then...I'm thinking of maybe going back to Uni. It sounds dumb in my head even, but this work stuff, it really SUCKS. I mean, I work, I sleep, I get up, have breakfast, do the dishes, have lunch and it's time for work all over again. WTF MATE!?! But at the same time, work is one of those stupid life necessities. So I'm thinking, if I have to spend this much of my life doing it, maybe I should be doing something a little less EAT MY BRAIN WITH BOREDOM. So yeah, if uni will still take me, I'm thinking finish Arts, Dip Ed and in three years I'll be able to be a teacher. I can do that, I mean, they're basically glorified babysitters. :P

Well, I guess we'll see anywoozle.

Don't people normally get nervous before their wedding? I haven't felt nervous at all. Just busy trying to get it all organised. Not that I've done that much, mostly my mum did all the work. But anyway, life's funny. My friends used to be the most important thing in my life, and now, I barely see any of them. Even Alan and I live with him. I don't enjoy hanging out with my drinking buddies like I used to, but that's a sorta stupid situation and it'll hopefully work itself out. I'm finding it hard to find the time to do a lot of things. That script Lewis and I were writing is *cough* on the back-burner. That script I said I'd definitely make time for. But when I've got such little spare time and I have to choose between Jen and hobbies, I choose Jen. Any and Every time. I'm still trying to find some sort of balance in my life, between work, chores, Jen, friends, family and somewhere inbetween it all, little me.

But hey, I love my life. It's like...I won the game of life, you know? I mean, it's certainly not easy, and sometimes it's downright crap, Jen can be a handful and a half, but that's all part of it. It's like everything is so great I keep expecting I'm gonna die in a car accident or something, just cause isn't that just how life works? But that's not going to happen, I've just become conditioned to think that when I get my hopes up something horrible happens. But that world is behind me and I don't live there anymore. I live somewhere where things are great and nothing terrible is going to happen. It's so beautiful here, and I wish I could share it with you, but it doesn't work that way, you just have to sort of find it yourself.
Of course, I'm still very careful when I drive though. I never want to lose this, and nothing short of death will take away the happiness I've found.

Ha. Life is funny.

An Inconvenient Truth

2007-03-03T05:41:00.000-08:00

Hey Anyone,

I know it's been a while. I've been pretty busy. Everything is going great, the wedding is in about a month. You should see the wedding ring. It cost me a freakin grand, but it's beautiful. Jen's studying at TAFE, and I'm starting full time work next week. Not the best job in the world, it's Castlemaine Bacon. Sounds terrible, but the money is good, and right now money is pretty important. I'm not scared of hard work, and I've got a future to work towards now.
I've started writing a TV script with Lewis. We're about halfway, maybe two thirds of the way. We've hit a couple of snags, and I'm having trouble finding the time to do anything on it now, but I think it's just a temporary set-back. I know that I'm going to make the time to take this seriously.

But anyway, that was just a bit of an update so it doesn't seem rude when I tell you to WATCH THIS MOVIE. "An Inconvenient Truth" It's possibly the most important movie you will ever watch.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn...

2006-11-19T22:46:00.000-08:00

Hey Anyone,

Okay so, big news. I bought an engagement ring last week. And I'm going to use it to propose to Jen. Although the whole proposing thing is just a formality. She's already told me she'll say yes. She's already tried on the ring, just to see if it fit.

I was telling her about my friend Bec who was worried about me and Jen living in the same house together and going out "Perimeters, perimeters!" and Jen didn't really get it, and I said Bec didn't believe in sex before marriage. And then there was this pause cause we both realised I'd just said the M word. And I looked at her and she said "If you ask me, I'll say yes." and well from then we just started making plans.

Jen originally wanted to elope, but I'm trying to talk her into a big thing where I can invite my family and friends and everything. After meeting my parents and my cool Auntie Sue, she's agreed to my family (even extended family) being there and she's cool with Alan being the best man.

So it's all pretty exciting. If you want to tell me how fast this all seems and shouldn't we wait a while or whatever, don't bother cause I've already heard it. I will not be talked out of it.

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-11-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

Hey Anyone,

Jen and I had our two week aniversary yesterday, and we went out to the movies and saw Little Miss Sunshine. It's a really nice movie. I finally convinced her to meet my parents, so we're gonna go see them on Friday.

Hmm, I keep thinking I've got interesting things to say, but then when I get on here, I can't think of anything. Ah well, anyway, life is good.

Oh, that's right. I got my tax back a couple of days ago. Like 1300 dollars. Which means I can finally pay off my credit card, and even have enough money to have a real christmas. I mean, it'll be a little scroungy in some spots, maybe. But it'll still rock. Doesn't look like there's going to be a huge amount of people coming to my party. I've got about ten people saying "I'm hoping to have a job by then, so I might be working." Call me a cynic, but I'm not sure if many of the people that said that will be here if they don't have work. I'm okay with that. It was a stretch to invite a lot of those people anyway. But people I like are going to be here, and that's great. I honestly don't mind if the party is a dud anyway. I'm spending Christmas with my friends and the woman I love.

And I think it's gonna be a long long time...

2006-11-11T19:44:00.000-08:00

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone


Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don't understand
It's just my job five days a week
A rocket man, a rocket man


And I think it's gonna be a long long time...

As soon as I wake up, every night, every day...

2006-11-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

Hi Anyone,

We have a song. As in, when we hear it we can say "That's our song". 'It must be love' by Madness. Y'know, like from the huggies ads.

I was a bit worried about telling her I love her just yet. I mean, we've been going out for like a week or something. I didn't want to come on too strong or anything. Last night she asked me "So, do you love me yet?" and I said yes. "I love you." I always kinda wondered that I might be commitment-phobic. That if I ever got the happy ending I wanted that suddenly I wouldn't want it anymore. But that's not the case. I've got her and she's got me, and I'm just Happy.

Happy.

I love you Jen.

H is for Hickey, that's good enough for me.

2006-11-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

Hey Anyone,

Okay, I think it's safe to talk about it now without jinxing anything. Jen and I are going out. It's wierd, we met like a month ago at JobSeeker Training, she moved in two weeks ago, and now we're totally doing that whole couple thing.

It just feels right. Comfortable. Like I *really* don't need to impress her. Maybe it's just me that's changed, that I'm not so insecure. Shucks, I'm just so happy. You know, it's just wierd how things turn out. I was so hurt after everything that happened with Thilini way back in the day, but if I hadn't met her, I don't know if I would have had the guts to take that first step with Jen. And if things hadn't ended so horribly with Caroline, maybe I wouldn't have gotten over her, and I wouldn't have been open to the happiness that I now find in my life.

Yeah, screw blogging. I'm gonna go make out with my girlfriend. Cheerio.

Heh. "I bit myself shaving". Hilarious.

And in other news...

2006-11-02T17:52:00.000-08:00

Hey Anyone,

I bought a Tarot card deck a couple of days ago, and a new book on Tarot. I seem to have lost my old one. It's actually a really interesting book, talking about how Tarot is a medium for getting people to think about archetypes in their lives and that as a Tarot reader you act as a sort of "midwife" for people solving their own problems. I thought to myself how very Jungian it all sounded and I checked the bibliography and yep, there's like five books by Jung that have been referenced. Mum would love it, in fact I'm thinking of lending her the book when I'm finished with it.

Oh also, I've signed up for Proffessional Writing and Editing. God it sounds awesome. And heh, one of the lecturers was my high school teacher in Philosophy, which is cool. And one of my fellow students is my old singing teacher who taught me earlier this year. And one of my *other* fellow students is Ben, but that wasn't a surprise. But one of my *other* fellow students will be Miss Bourke! Or Bu Bourke as we knew her in Indonesian at Golden Square. Now that's a wierd feeling, realising you're gonna be in the same class as someone who used to teach you. It's a really popular class though, and young people are the minority, or at best half. But just hearing about all the stuff we'll be doing. Oh it sounds great. I can't wait. And I can do it over two years, and I'll have a diploma or something. It'll be full time, which is what I really want right now. Austudy. Time to think about writing, and writing more songs.

Ah life is good.

:)

2006-11-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dear God.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.

P.S. I know I don't believe in you or anything, but seriously. You rock. I owe you a cold one or something.

I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy by far...

2006-10-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Today, I did some modelling. I mean, I got a friend of mine, Aden, to take some photos of me for triple J unearthed, because everyone else has photos. He's like a really good photographer though, and I'm really happy with the photo's he took.
Then after that, I helped another friend, Lewis, with a short film for Multimedia, and that was kinda fun too. Though I got slapped a lot. Ok, who am I kidding, I liked being slapped.
*cough* but anyway...
I got home and I checked my emails, and my cousin's best friend Rachel (she's so cool) told me she sent the link of Triple J unearthed to all her friends at TAFE and told them to listen to it. Which is really cool. And then I checked the site, and someone gave it a review, and said all these really nice things about it, and I feel so good about my music right now. Actually, I'm thinking of doing a film clip for Memories of You. I don't know exactly what it'll be but yeah, that'd be a fun excercise anyway.

Yay for stuff. Life is good.

Nice guys...

2006-10-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I started a new job at the UK bottleshop yesterday. But later that night I was at Domino's and the manager asked me if I'd be interested in more hours. So I'm thinking that I won't end up working at the UK after all. The manager said I seemed like a really nice guy, which I thought was very nice of her. On my way home from that I picked up a couple of hitchhikers. I've never picked up hitchhikers before, but I thought they looked pretty harmless. Amy and Hailey, and they wanted me to take them to KFC, which was in the opposite direction than the one they were walking. But I didn't mind, so we went through the drive through. And they bought me some chips. And when I dropped them back at their hotel, they said I was the nicest guy they'd ever met (mind you, they were pretty drunk) and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
And then today, Jen said I was a nice guy for helping her move.

I can't believe I used to resent being called a nice guy. Stupid stupid Ryan.

First day of my life - Bright Eyes

2006-10-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

It is done.

2006-10-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I've got one of my songs up on Triple J unearthed now.

It's just http://www.triplejunearthed.com/ryanandrews

So far it's only one song. But there will be more. Oh yes, there will be more.

How Amusing.

2006-10-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Guess what! I'm going to see Muse in January. Yep, that's right. Muse. My friend bought me the ticket as an early birthday present. Although technically I don't get to really open it until after my birthday. But Meh.

So far I've got 13 people confirmed for my Christmas Party, but I still haven't invited a bunch of people, and a bunch more haven't replied yet. Still, I'm no longer worried about it not being fun. It's gonna be freakin sweet. And when giving out invitations people went "Oh! That's right! I invite you to my party too!" So I've got a Bel Tine festival thingy on next week and a 21st next month to go to too now. Yayz for funz.

Life is good right now.

Introducing a new character?

2006-10-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

So I've been doing Jobsearch Training for the past three weeks now. The first day, I met this girl, Jen. We were in the same group for some activity, but after that we just kinda hung out at the same table, and we chatted and stuff. It was cool, I actually felt like we were getting to know each other. Then the three of us, Jen Alan and me started hanging out a bit more. One day I offered Jen a lift home, and it turns out she lives only a couple of blocks away from where Alan and I live. And I just kept giving her lifts home. One day we finished early so we went and got some lunch. And then this week the three of us decided to do the First Aid course together, and I mentioned we were showing our spare room to this guy, and she asked about the rent, and yeah. Well anyway, today she came over and we watched Napoleon Dynamite and she said she'll move in.

It feels so wierd, yet cool. I hadn't even met this girl three weeks ago and now she's going to be living with us. Actually, no, what's wierd is that it really feels like she *should* move in. I'm not uncertain about it at all. She just fits in. She gets our humour. Heehee, she thinks I'm hilarious. She's laid back too. She likes Stargate, and Angel. And Family Guy.

Shucks, I think I have a crush on my new housemate. Though heck, she wouldn't be a girl if I didn't have a crush on her. More than anything it's cool to have a housemate that I think will be a lot of fun, and a cool friend.

Cleaning,

2006-10-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Today, after I got home from First Aid Training, I started cleaning up the house for when Gatto comes around to see what the place looks like. Well, that and Jen said she'd really like to move in. I washed all the clothes in the clothes bin, and all the dishcloths that weren't even really dirty yet, and then I got Alan to put his clothes in the wash (For like the first time in...a scary amount of time) and I did all the dishes, and I cooked dinner, and then I did the dishes from dinner (That night!) and I went and bought a new toilet brush (Don't ask what happened to the old one) and a broom, (we only used to have a brush and pan) and I swept the house, and cleaned the toilet, and I wiped down benches, and I might even have dusted if I'd bought a duster. I vacuumed, and I tidied everything that wasn't in mine or Alan's room. I straigtened the couch. I used scissors to cut out a skittle that had been squished so hard into the floor that it wouldn't come out. I found a use for bookends! They look really good where they are. I put things away! I lit insence sticks all over the house. It smells nice! I folded blankets!

Anyway, it was very wierd behavior for me. I can't even remember the last time I've cleaned that much. I mean, I found out we have carpet in our house, underneath the dust. I cleaned for like seven hours or something, till like 3 in the morning. I guess it's just all that repressed cleanliness just finally exploding out.

FREE HUGS

2006-10-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

You know what I love? People. I love them so much. And THIS is why.

Watch it, and then go hug somebody.

We'll do it all, everything, on our own...

2006-10-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hey All,

(See that, I tried something different. Oooh)

Anyway, I was just thinking about Christmas, and you know what? I want to do it. Not just "The group" or anything, because frankfurtly, that would be a disaster. Just...everybody. My plan is some kind of Christmas Cocktail party. I like cocktails now.

I am going to do it. And by gumshoe, it's going to be fun!

Pirates are forever? Throw your pirates in the sky if you feel the vibe.

2006-10-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Drunk. But it's okay, because it's a thursday night. I mean Tuesday. Ha! I'm actually more dissapointed that I forgot the capitol T in Thurdsday than the fact that I got the day wrong. I went out and played at the Vine tonight. See, cause Sarah (Jane Fawcett) asked when I was going to play somewhere next, so I thought I should play somewhere soon, and invite her, so I invited her. And when I saw Rachael last week she asked if I played at the Vine, so I invited her. And Patches messaged me today and asked if I was going out tonight, so I invited her to hear me play too. And none of them showed. But I talked to Amanda (From my write club) and her hot girlfriend Tammy. Actually both Amanda and Tammy are hot, and really interesting to talk to too. Tammy is a riot. And Amanda asked me for my number, if I felt like coming round and jamming with Tammy sometime, because Tammy plays, and I said I'd love to.

Amanda told me about this gay night at the Icon on the last Friday of every month. And I thought to myself "Damn, it's a pity I don't have any gay friends in Bendigo anymore that I could tell about that".

Oh speaking of gay, I finished my bartending course tonight (There is a connection, probably somewhere). And I was just thinking that there are like a hundred pubs bars and nightclubs in Bendigo, but not a single cocktail bar. Not one. And that's a shame. A damn shame. A damn dirty shame. A damn dirty sultry shame. Where was I going with this? Well, anyway. That'd be cool, to set up a cocktail bar in Bendigo. It'd probably be a risk, but it could really pay off if you could find a large enough market. Not that I'm likely to do it.

I caught up with this guy I kinda know outside the pub, Gatto. He's a really cool guy. Actually a housemate of Patches. And he said he's looking for a new place, and I told him I'm looking for a housemate at my place, and when I told him the price ( $70 a week, no bills, no bond) he sounded pretty interested, so I might get another housemate, which means I'll have to clean up the place a bit, but still good news.

I think this story had a point at some point maybe. I think it was that some guy told me I could pick up with any girl at "The Pub" tonight, and I pretty much believed him. And I chose to go home alone. I don't want to "pick up", I never did. I just felt like I was supposed to want it. I wish I didn't feel so self-conscious about being a virgin, but getting drunk and fucking some chick won't make me feel any better about that. It's just about being confident in myself, and finding a girl that I know doesn't care that I'm not experienced in relationships or in bed.

Anywayz. I should go sleep now. I have more job training tommory. Stupid Job training. The only thing good about it is Jen. Mm, Jen is so cool. But that is another story, and will be told another time. Heh, Neverending Story was a cool book. The movie was pretty cool too, the first one anyway. I guess the second wasn't *that* bad either. But that's another story, and will be told another time.

I just remember that line in that story I wrote "Rum and Cola" when that guy, I can't remember what his name is, but he's me. He say's "I just wish someone would say 'Her! Love her! She's the one you're supposed to love" and then I would know..."

But there's no such thing, is there? No one person you *have* to be with. You just find that person yourself, you choose. I almost wish destiny existed. Too scared I'll make the wrong choice. Too scared, that's the story of my life isn't it? I'm not going to say "No more!" tonight. It's stupid to think that because I realise my life is ruled by my fear, that I can change it on a whim. I have twenty-one years of having my life ruled by fear.

I have another blog. One where I write all my dark secrets. But I haven't used it in ages now. I just, even when I have something not very nice to say, I still put it on here. I just, don't feel the need to hide parts of myself anymore. I know that Some People feel that you should always hide parts of yourself away, but I can't be like that. I won't be ashamed of my feelings like that. It's not me.

I don't know why I just said that. Keep in mind, I am *very* wasted, don't let my coherence fool you, that's just my excellent knowledge of words and such coming through, I *am* wasted.

Going to bed now. And by Bed I mean Oblivion.

Damn you Simon.

The Sunny song

2006-10-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Come on lets go somewhere honey
It's not summer but it's still sunny
Honey those books can wait
Cos outside it looks so great

You've been inside all day
And well I'm sure that that's okay
But I would like to treat you to
A sunny afternoon just you and me
Just you and me

How long's it been, can you remember it?
Since we really tried to make a day of it?
So come on let's go get a coffee
And you can laugh when I call you sweetpea

You've been inside all day
But I really hope that you won't stay
Cos I would like to treat you to
A sunny afternoon just you and me
Just you and me

Your work is important to you
But being happy's important too
Your work is important to you
But being happy's important too

You've been inside all day
But I really hope that you won't stay
Cos I would like to be with you
On this sunny afternoon
Just you and me

Just you and me

And isn't this just the coolest thing you have ever heard in your entire life?

That Eureka moment.

2006-10-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone!

Guess what! I'm super stoked right now! "Why?" I hear you ask! Well, I'll tell you, jeez just give me a minute. I was getting into a big spiel but fine! Fine! If you're so impatient that you can't wait like the fifteen seconds it would have taken me to tell you how excited I am that you have to hear straight away. Then I'll tell you right now, and skip the part where I would have gone on for a bit about how this feeling I have, that there's nothing like it in the world. Nothing I've experienced has ever made me feel this good.

I wrote another song. Number 5 now. Though actually, I wrote two other songs. Heh, "Always be with you" which was about Meredith, though at the time I lied and said it wasn't. But that wasn't very good, I think. Hmm, actually, I don't know. Maybe I should take another look at that one. And another song "Don't want to see you again" which really wasn't very good. But again, maybe I should take another look at it. And, there was a song about a river, too, that I never finished. Erg, but that wasn't very good either. Heh, there was that one line

"God I wish that I could go back
And change the things that I've done wrong
But that's not gonna happen I'm just
Gonna sit here and sing my song
God I wish I could impress you
Make you see there's more to me
Than this fucked up loser singing songs about
What I wish that I could be"

Heh, I still like that line. Or paragraph of lines anyway.

ANYWAY, so yeah, I'm happy because I wrote another song. But it's more than that. It's exciting! That feeling, when you don't know what to do, or what to write. And then BAM it hits you. THIS is what the song should be about, THIS is the direction it should go. THESE WORDS are the ones that express what you want to say. Every line, I feel something inside me when I know I've got it. Of course, sometimes later I end up getting rid of that line anyway, but that's okay, because it means I've got a clearer picture of what the song is going to be like. And then, when you finally get a finished product, ah, it's a beautiful thing.

Now after saying all that, nobody will like the song I bet. But that's not important, I enjoyed it. And it's all good experience. Heh, once I get ten songs, I'll have enough for an album! And then I'm sure it's just a very small simple step to fame and fortune.

By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes....

2006-10-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Actually, I don't thinking anything wicked is this way coming, but I just love that saying. It sounds so cool. I remember when I was a kid I watched a movie called "something wicked this way comes" it was really dark and scary. And I had a book, called "Fever dream" which was written by the same guy that wrote the book "something wicked this way comes" which the movie was based on. And I really liked the book, because it had glow in the dark bits. But as I got older I read that book and I realised how incredibly creeepy it was.

But ANYWAY, I was just going to write something about me, and how I'm going right now, which is pretty good. Things are like so busy, but it's cool. It's not bad busy, like studying or working too much. Though I do have a job now, yep. I am now the proud owner of the lofty title of delivery driver. I'm also doing jobseeker training, which is cool because Alan is doing it too. We haven't been in the same class together since like year 10. We have so much fun. And I'm doing this bartending course, where I'm learning to pour a beer, and make cocktails and serve wine and stuff. Last week I got my RSA. Oh and I put in an expression of interest form for Proffesional Writing and Editing at TAFE next year. And the secretary I gave it to was actually my cousin's best friend, Rachael. Which was cool, cos she's cool.

I've got so many ideas for my TV series. I *will* write it one day. I swear. It's going to happen. Yep, I'm going to be the next Joss Whedon.

Song I'm listening to: Coffee and TV - Blur

Oh, some site asked me if I'd be interesting in putting my music on it. I mean, I'm sure they're just sending them to every artist on mp3.com but still. I told them I'm going to hold off until I've recorded my good copies. Actually, I should be doing my good copies now.

Cheeerio.

Sand in my hair

2006-10-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I remember a story my mum told a few months ago. It's stuck with me, and I've been meaning to blog about it since then, but I kept forgetting at the wrong times. She told this story to a training group, just about learning to listen, and I was there as her assistant.

"When I was younger I remember my son was being bullied at primary school. He'd come home and he'd tell me about how they put sand in his hair again today. And me being the parent I wanted to ring up the school and make a complaint and I wanted to tell him what he should do to avoid being bullied. But I'd just been learning about listening skills, and how most people just want to be heard more than anything else. So I said to him 'That must be so hard, knowing you can't get away from them. That they'll find you wherever you go.' and he just gave me the biggest hug. And then he was fine. He didn't need me to fix his problems for him. All he needed was somebody to listen, and care."

When I heard her tell that story, and even now just thinking of it, I almost cry. In the same way I cried when I saw the picture she drew of me. Both times I was surprised with how overwhelmed I was with emotion. It's just such an amazing feeling, when somebody really gets you.

Summer

2006-10-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Summer is coming.

I've been remembering feelings from around this time last year. Like when I left home. That feeling of leaving, taking that look around my house and knowing it was the last time I would look at it as *my* house. That other feeling, when I moved into this place. That newness about everything. Of being excited by going shopping. Of being excited by running out of groceries and having to buy more. Of our first bill. The bottle collection we started. The promises we made to go out every weekend. Playing Wow for the first time. The taste of Vodka and Orange. Thilini. Driving to Melbourne to hang out. Working at the Apple Orchard. Recruiting a bunch of my friends to work at the Apple Orchard. Christmas. My sword (Tyris the drinker). New Years alone. Writing Rum and Cola. Depression. Drinking.

Those feelings, so strong in my nostrils right now. Sadness, loss, excitement, hope, fun, satisfaction, disappointment, loss.

I've been doing my best, you know? To turn over a new leaf. To be better. To see the positive things in my life. I have so much to be happy for. But when I think about what's coming.

Five years ago I started a tradition. The Christmas Eve Eve party. Almost hard to believe it was so long ago. Every year since then we've had one. And that's over now, isn't it? There's nothing I can do to fix it, to make things okay again. As everyone is always so quick to remind me, the group died a long time ago.
I have this fantasy that I could find the strength to try. That I could contact everyone and get them to come together, at least for Christmas. But it's not going to happen. I can't try again. I'm just too scared. If I tried, if I really tried, and I failed. At least this way I can dream. I can think that somewhere is a happy Christmas that I might have had if I'd been stronger.

Ah busking. It's like begging, but with an instrument!

2006-09-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone!

I went busking today, and I made like sixteen buck in an hour and a half. That's like ten bucks an hour! For just sitting around playing music!

Ah, life is sweet.

Whoops.

2006-09-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

Forgot to say why I was doing my happy dance.

Today I added a tambourine and a guitar riff to "memories of you", and now it sounds even better. And I really love it, even more than I did before. I mean, it's got more of a kickin' beat now, and a catchy little riff thing.

Anywayz, words can't express. It's just all so exciting.

Happy dance!

2006-09-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I am so happy today! I actually did my happy dance! I didn't even know I HAD a happy dance! I've been recording music today, because I want to do better versions of my songs. I mean, the ones on mp3.com aren't great quality, and they're too quiet, and they've got bits at the start and finish that should be cut out, and the singing isn't very good. I just sorta recorded them once and thought "that'll do for now" so that people who haven't heard me play can hear me. But now I want to actually do good copies. Anyway, when I've got my good copies I'm thinking of putting them on Triple J unearthed. Did I already tell people that? I can't remember.
Anyway, when I finally get all that done I'll put a link up for that instead of mp3.com.

You know what would be the most awesome thing ever? If, one day, I got a song of mine played on Triple J. That would be like...hmm, that would be like me kidding myself. Still, a man can dream. A MAN CAN DREAM!!!

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

2006-09-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I had a dream last night, and it was like (umm, what was it?) some kind of wierd hiking trip, with markers. And there were people after us. And it was part of the game, but at the same time it was really serious. Anyway, that was all pretty wierd and blurry. I think there was an evil little girl. On the way back from the hike, some important lady told us to watch out for snakes. If we see any, we should hit them on the head with something, like a stick. Well we were almost back, when we noticed all these snakes. Like thirty or something. Actually, I noticed them. Everyone else was just sorta packing up their stuff, until I warned them about the snakes. So I was running around with a crowbar (I dunno why) and hitting these snakes on the head. Most of which were tiny, like 20 centimetres long, though there were a couple of larger ones. They didn't actually seem that dangerous. I mean, I kept missing one, and it didn't attack me or anything.
Then I went and stole all the lego and lollies from the camp. Of which there was a surpisingly large amount.
And I had to wake up before I could eat any of the lollies. Dang it. There were Milk Bottles, and Chicos, and those race car gummi things, and gummi bears.

Uh Oh. Ryan Rant.

2006-09-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone.

I am drunk. And I am going to talk. Maybe everything I am going to write isn't for public consumption but well, that's me. Always saying things that should remain private.

Tonight, I went out. Last week at Write Club, a few of the members saw my guitar and asked if I was going to play that night, at Open Mic at the Uni bar, and I told them yes. But they ended up feeling really sick, so they went home. But they said they really wanted to hear me play, and I told them I'd be at the Vine tonight if they wanted to hear me, and they said they'd be there, and one of them even promised, so I smiled and promised I'd be there too.
In the end, they didn't show. Which was a bit of a bummer. Also, although I put my name in the bucket, I didn't get to play. Which was also a bit of a bummer.
But I got to talk a little bit to two girls who had been at DnD, but hadn't kept playing. And that was cool. One of them had a tattoo of Tolkien's initals on her back. And I got to talk to Nat, or Natalie Edith. Now, when I really think about it there are only two people in this world that I have been really attracted to the first time I've seen them.
One is Patches.
One is Nat.

The first time I ever saw Natalie was on stage at the Vine. She was on stage, not me. And I thought she was amazing. I've spoken to her a couple of times since then, in passing. Today she said to me "It's Ryan, isn't it?" and I said yeah. And we talked for a bit. But what's really interesting is I'm pretty sure I've never told her my name. So maybe she remembers me from like the times I've played at the Vine, which is pretty flattering.

Anyway, so later I walked to the Pub, and that was kinda boring, because I didn't really know anyone. But I saw this guy Shaun, who I kinda remember from High school. Wierd, I'm pretty sure he was one of the "cool" kids, but he remembers me a lot better than I remember him. Actually, there's been a few "cool" kids who I thought wouldn't know me from a bar of soap who come up to me and say "Ryan! How's it going?" and I say "Hey man. What's up?" because I don't remember their name. Anyway, I spoke to Shaun for a minute, told him that he was awesome at the Vine, even though they were covers. And he said only the last one was a cover and I (I'd only actually been listening to the last song) looked surprised, and he was very excited and flattered that I thought his first two songs were covers. And he said he was sorry he hadn't heard me play tonight, and I told him I hadn't got to play, and he said "Yeah, it sucks. It's not what you know, but who you know. Myself, I make sure I get there half an hour early, and I put my name in the bucket before anyone else does. You should do the same." And he told me he'd heard me play before and that I'm really good. And then he said next week he's going to do a cover of that song that goes "I'm the one who wants to be with you". Two seconds later, (literally two seconds) a familiar beat comes over the speakers. two seconds after that "HOLD ON LITTLE GIRL, SHOW ME WHAT HE'S DONE TO YOU. STAND UP LITTLE GIRL, A BROKER HEART CAN'T BE THAT BAD" and we both looked at each other like "Woah!"
And he said "What are the chances?" And I said "Pretty fucking slim, man". It was pretty awesome, I mean, just for crazy wierd luck.

Anyway, when the Pub closed, I saw some guy get kicked out, with his arm twisted behind his back. And I went over and talked to him, just to see how he was going, and he told me this story about these arseholes who'd just started beating him up for no reason. About five minutes later, he and a mate of his were waiting outside, looking to start a fight. And I went over and talked to them, and tried to convince them that it was a bad idea. And I tried, I really tried, but it was no good. But I'm glad I tried. I'm glad I didn't just stand by and say "They're idiots, they deserve it." because I could have. Hell, everyone else did.

Anyway, on the way home, I saw this guy trying to use a payphone, but well, you know what payphones are like. So I gave him my mobile to use, and he was really thankful. Like "Oh man, I really apreciate this." And he said he recongnised me from the Vine, and I said "Yeah, I was there, but I didn't get to play." and he said "Oh, that's right, you had a guitar. I'm the sound guy there. "
"Oh, that's right. I remember you."
"Well, next time you're at the Vine, let me know, and I'll make sure you get up on stage."
And Shaun's words rang in my ears "It's not what you know, it's who you know." and a part of me thought how the system at the Vine isn't really that fair for struggling artists. But mostly my mind was thinking "Karma". I did a random good deed for a stranger, which turned out to benefit me.

I want to be a good person. Walking home I was thinking, about how a couple of months ago, when I'd been in Melbourne, after Caroline had just...well, told me what she thought of me, and I'd been there visiting my dying Grandmother, and we'd gone for a walk in the park where I remember Thilini and I had walked. The park with the musical little bells that you could step on if people hadn't broken them. Near Imax. And I felt so terrible, because of what Caroline and Thilini thought of me, and because I was spending all this time thinking about it when my Grandma lay dying in hospital.
And later that day, I messaged Thilini and I asked her if I was a bad person. And instead of telling me what I wanted to hear (which was "no, you're not. I just don't like you." or something like that.) she told me "Not necessarily bad, just self-centred. I think you could be a good person, if you found something to be good about." And while it wasn't what I wanted to hear, I think it was what I needed to hear. Wierd, I never thought any one sentence could change who I am as a person, or how I look at life. But I know now that I will never travel overseas. If I have the money that I can afford to travel overseas, I'll give it to charity.
I don't want money. I don't want luxury. I don't want a house, or financial security. I really *really* don't care about any of that. I want to do good. I want to stop following the status quo, and break free of all of it. I don't want to live in Australia for the rest of my life. But I don't want to spend money that could go towards saving lives just so that I can make myself a bit happier. And I don't want to leave my family and friends either, really.
This credit card is a son of a bitch. I'm going to need a job to pay it off really. Once I have it paid off, and once I've paid back my parents...I'm giving my money to charity.

But Anyway...I felt kinda crap about not playing music tonight, and nobody showing up to hear it anyway. But it turned out pretty good anyway. And it made me realise how much I have going on in my life right now. Like last weekend, I was at my Grandma's birthday party. And the next day, my Dad had invited me around to rerecord the songs I've done, because I want to do them again, (they're not loud enough, and I want to try and do them better quality, if possible) but I had to reshedule for another time becuase I had DnD on Sunday. But then DnD was cancelled, so I was thinking I might still go around on Sunday, but then Alan and Roger were going over to our friend Willie's house, and I haven't seen Willie in like freakin Yonks. So I went along with that, and we played this game Warhammer Quest, which is a lot like Hero Quest (Don't tell me you don't know what Hero Quest is) only a lot more fun. We ended up playing until like 2 in the morning. It was awesome.
Even when I lose out on things in my life, it just gives me more time to do other stuff. And I have so much stuff to do. Like read the ten or so books Ben has lent me (Sarah's boyfriend. Me and him get along pretty well, which is cool.) or watch the five seasons of Angel that Alan's friend Mat lent us. Or write the three stories I promised I'd write before the next issue of 3rd Degree comes out. Or hell even do an assignment, or write a new song. Or god forbid, clean up the kitchen a little.

And yet, even with all this happiness, and hundreds of things to keep me occupied, I still feel like I'm missing something. Two somethings actually. No point beating around the bush. Thilini. Caroline. I miss Thilini, and I wish I could miss Caroline. I mean, honestly, things between me and Caroline haven't changed a whole hell of a lot. I still see her about as much as I used to, and our conversation is as meaningful as ever. Which is to say, not at all. What is there to miss? The things I know about Caroline, I can count on one hand.
1. She's female.
2. She lives in Melbourne.
3. She's studying Science or something.
4. She's got a boyfriend, named John.
5. She's got season one of Coupling.

I can't miss Caroline. I don't even know Caroline. What I fell in love with, that wasn't Caroline. It was an imaginary figure. And yet, I still wish things were different. Not romance. Nothing like that. But friends. I still wants to be friends. And god, I don't know why. I don't know why I can't be like other people and just dismiss people as arsehole's who aren't worth my time. Maybe just because it's so clear that it's my fault things didn't work out between us.

Mleh, well, anyway. I can't do anything about it, Caroline or Thilini. I've tried apologising, and I've tried to work things out. But you can't *make* people forgive you, and you can't *make* people want to be friends with you if it's not something they want. I'll cope. I've got so much good stuff going on in my life that it just seems insane to let anything really get me down.

The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares....

2006-09-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I had a dream last night. I was at a swimming pool with Claudia Black. But at the time I couldn't remember her name, and I just kept calling her Aeryn, like from Farscape. But she was hurt, she'd been in an accident, and her body was twisted, badly. And it was clear that she was dying, but everyone around her was trying to save her. They all knew first aid, but I didn't. So I just talked to her. And she said she knew she was dying, and that she was okay with it. And she said she loved me, and I said "I love you too Aeryn" and she laughed and said "If you're going to tell me you love me, you should use my real name. It's" and then she died.

A NEW CAR!!

2006-09-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I got my new car on Saturday. We're still getting used to each other.

A good day.

2006-09-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I had another good day today. Some girl I never met said hi to me, and I said hello back, and her friend looked at her funny and she said "What? He's cute."

And I went for a bike ride to Lake Weroona again, and I saw the cutest little ducklings EVER. All tiny and fluffy.

And I finished watching Lost season 2, and I wasn't exactly dissapointed, so that's good?

And we had Write Club, and nobody had written anything, but I starting writing something there and then, and I finished it a couple of hours later, and I'm sorta happy with it. Though it's not a very special piece. OOH! And the new 3rd Degree is out, and there's my article, right in the middle. One of the girls at Write Club told me that people who've read the 3rd Degree have said "I really like this one article." and they're talking about mine. And when they found out that the Uni Bar has Open Mic, they all said I should play tonight. And I told them a friend had already asked me to, and that was why I'd brought my guitar. But they were feeling sick, and felt really bad, and wanted to stick around. But I told them I'd be playing at the Vine on Tuesday so they can hear me then if they wanted. And they were all excited. And I felt all special.

So yeah, I played tonight. I didn't rock especially hard, but it was still good to get up there.

Life is so good.

Speaking of how much I rock...

2006-09-13T01:35:00.000-07:00

The rest of my songs just got uploaded.

Check them out!

Link is on the side ------->

Rock!

2006-09-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I've been telling myself to go out more on Tuesday nights. Partly to play at the Vine, partly to see Patches again. Tonight I made sure I actually did it.

Firstly, the music went great. I saw Amanda from Write Club. And I saw some old buddies from High School. And I saw Sarah, who is this girl I sort of randomly met one night. Anyway, I was the first person picked out of the bucket to play, which was kind of scary, but shit, it was awesome. People whistled and cheered. Even people I didn't know. This guy bought me a drink, and shook my hand. And these guys from high school asked me to sit with them. And one said "I used to think you were wierd. Now I see that you're talented and wierd. " Which was so uplifting. Really. Talented and wierd are two things I would *love* to be known as. And well, lots of people told me it was really good. I have to say, that was probably my best performace ever. I got invited to someone's housewarming too, which was cool. And another friend came up to me and said "You never told me you were a musician!"

Anyway, it was awesome.

So then I messaged Patches, and later we caught up at the pub. And we didn't get to catch up very much, but later we had a txt conversation and agreed to meet up and do something soon, because we don't hang out enough.

I walked home smiling.

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. You have been the one for me.

2006-09-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

My dad called me today and told me it's time to clean my car up properly. I knew what that meant. He wanted it back, which meant he's found a new car for me. He told me about a month ago that he couldn't legally give me the car I have. Because for that you need a proper roadworthy test and that would end up costing (with all the repairs) as much as buying a new car anyway. So Dad's buying me a new (well, new to me) car and taking back my dinted wreck.

Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it. This is costing Dad quite a bit of money, and it really does help me. If I got pulled over right now, and they decided to call it for being unroadworthy, I couldn't pay the fine, let alone repairs to get back on the road. So basically, it still equals out to me getting a car for my 21st. It just feels more like I'm ripping them off.

I just...I love that car. It's been really good to me. I love it's dints and it's flaws. It's my first car. I will miss it.

Magic poision?! That sounds like magic!

2006-09-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

I did DnD at Mat's yesterday, which I do pretty much every weekend. But we've been trying to convince Mat to DM this campain he's been thinking about, but he's got other comittments like work and things, and since he hasn't really had much experience running game sessions, he needs more time to plan things. It might be a while. But that's okay. I decided to run Warhammer Role Playing. Which I wasn't too sure I wanted to do, because I'm not really that good of a DM. But, it turned out to be pretty fun. I kept constantly almost killing the party. Heh, I'll get em next time.

I couldn't sleep the night before last. That happens to me sometimes. I thought, being that sleep deprived, I'd probably be really irritable at DnD, but nope! I was awake for pretty much 38 hours straight and giggling all over the place.

I'm still waiting for my songs to go through at http://mp3.com.au. I've uploaded them, they're just "on hold" for a little bit. The first one only took about eight hours, but these three *still* aren't up. Anyway, so I was there, updating some info on my songs, and I listened to some other peoples music. And I just really quickly felt terrible about my own music. Like "Wow. Why did I think I had any talent?" and I felt this really strong urge to give up, seeing how much better other people are than me. But by the time the song ended, I was over it. I have to accept that there are going to be people much better than me at music. Thousands of people. I just have to do as well as I can, and hope that people like what *I* do. And if they don't, meh. I really enjoy it. I ended up downloading the song.

Ooh, and I've been reading a comic book lately! Besides Sin City, which for the most part was cool. This one I've been reading lately is called "Y the last man" and it's like based on the idea that somehow every last male creature on the earth suddenly died. And for some reason this guy Yoric didn't. And it's really interesting. I wasn't sure what it'd be like at first, but it's quite good. Horrible in some spots. For example, there's these desperate women, the dead republican senators wives, who want to take their husbands seats, and the now democrat government doesn't want to let them (because democrats actually *had* female senators). Anyway, so being the republicans they are they decide to storm the white house with guns, and they take a hostage. And while the leader of these women is making a big speach about how wrong what the democrats are doing is, the woman who is holding a gun to her hostage's head accidentaly slips. And shoots her hostage in the head.

But yeah, very compelling stuff anyway. Yay for comic books. Yay for my rich friend who keeps buying them and letting me read them.

Kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it!

2006-09-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I'm in such a happy mood, because I finally found out what the words are to Kitty by the Presidents. I had no idea, I just kept thinking "Kitty ate my phone?"

Anyway....I finally got around to uploading my music. It's a pity it's not great quality, but then, neither am I, so mleh.

This should link to the place wharr you can listen to it, if you like.

Uplifting

2006-09-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Earlier today, I was going to Write Club. But when I got there, the door was locked and no one was there. I waited around for about fifteen minutes, and I talked a little bit to this girl who was also in Write Club, and wondering where everyone was.

And it was just a nice friendly chat, and it made me feel a lot better about not having written anything yet. Plus she said she liked the song I sung a few weeks ago, and that I shouldn't change it because it's good sad (I'd been thinking I write too many depressing songs).

I'm starting to upload songs onto the net. I'll put a link up once I get them all up. The only thing is that they're very quiet, so you really have to turn the volume up. But I don't know how to fix that. *shrug*

Hold on Hope - Guided by Voices

2006-09-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I love the above song. I seem to love a lot of music lately.

I saw my parents today. It's so surprising how good it is to see them. We just hung out and talked, and it was really nice. I mean, shit I see them every week, but still. I've really come to appreciate how lucky I am. I couldn't have asked for better parents. And interesting!

After getting back from this trip to Melbourne, Mum has decided that she wants to get a Masters in Art Therapy, and she's going to do more study. Which is awesome. I mean, Mum's been doing the training thing for years, and she's really good at that. But when I heard she was thinking of going back to Uni to pursue councelling, I thought "totally that is just so what she should be doing".
But Mum has loved art since she was a kid. It's always been her release. It's such a great idea. I'm really excited for her.
And Dad! Dad has decided that while he's having fun with the six languages he's learning at the moment, he'd like to do an off-campus Bachelor of Archaeology. Like oh my god! Dad who used to read me and Jess Indiana Jones novels when we were kids. He was the one who got us interested in History. I mean, he's turned Jess' old room into a Library. He's constantly reading.
He's never really done any tertiary education though. Except for a fitness course at TAFE, which he did because Mum was doing it. He doesn't like tests and assesments (Me neither. God I hate them), but he reckons for this, he's really going to try. I just think that's so wonderful.

I'm really proud of both my parents. They're both pursuing things they're passionate about. Actually, I guess I am too, now. With my music, and my writing. I should really check how Jess is going. I was going to call her today, but I forgot. Hope I remember tommorow.

A man is dead.

2006-09-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

I never liked Steve Erwin. I honestly don't care whether he's alive or dead.

But today I was dissapointed with so many people. People I knew who I thought were decent human beings SMILED and LAUGHED when they heard a man was dead.

Snakes on a Plane

2006-09-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I was in Melbourne on Saturns Day, for Gawain's Birthday party. Which was cool, what I remember of it. It was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in yonks. Bleh, got too drunk, which was dumb of me. But other than that, a good night.

Today, walking around Melbourne, I spent most of the day wanting to go home. But I had to wait for a bit. Partly cos I was driving, and the guys weren't sure if I was up to it yet. And partly because they wanted to go shopping. My plan had always been to get home fairly early so I could visit my parents and spend Fathers Day with Dad. By the time we were back in Bendigo it was about five o' clock in the afternoon, and when I got to my parents house, nobody was home.

I felt really bad. Mostly because I'd completely forgotten Dad's birthday (I'm horrible with dates. I never remember anyone's birthday unless someone tells me) a few months earlier. And I didn't know until the day, when Jess reminded me in front of him, and he got to see how surprised I was. I felt terrible, and I swore to myself that I would make it up to him on Fathers Day.
And so today, when I saw that they'd gone out (Alan told me that my sister had called earlier) I figured they've probably all gone out for dinner or something nice. And Jess will be really angry that I'm not there. And Dad will just be a little sad. Anyway, so I got home, called and left a message on the answering machine just explaining that I'd been in Melbourne and that I'd be over tommorow to spend some time with them.

I got a call a couple of hours later from Dad, just letting me know that he and Mum had actually been in Melbourne for the past few days at some fancy hotel, probably something to do with Mum and her job. Or possibly just a little holiday for themselves. Anyway, they'd just got back. So, no worries. I didn't ruin anything. Today.

So then I went out with Alan and Roger, to go see Snakes on a Plane. The Coolest Thing about that movie was definitely the part when I bought my ticket and the computer froze, and the woman behind the counter (Catherine, I remember because I was looking at her name tag, because I was looking at her boobs) told me to just tell the ticket guy that I'd paid, but the computer was frozen. So I saw a movie with no ticket.
Ooh, the other cool thing about the movie. There were only 3 people in the whole Cinema, Me Alan and Roger.

Smashing Pumkins - Disarm (Ahh, a classic)

Endorphins ROCK!

2006-09-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I am feeling so good right now. These past three days I've done excercise every day. Wednesday I did push ups, sit ups and biceb curls, Thursday I rode my bike for about 2 hours, and then Tonight I did push ups, sit ups and bicep curls again.

The cool bit is, it wasn't hard. For ages I haven't been able to motivate myself to do any proper excercise, and I've been getting really out of shape. As I was working out, looking in the mirror ( I have a full length mirror in my bedroom, it helps me keep my posture straight. Okay, so I'm just vain. Sue me :P) I wasn't thinking how gross I look and how much I need to do this. I was thinking how good I'll look if I get some real muscle on me again.
I've started cleaning my teeth twice a day, instead of just once, and using mouthwash. I shaved, and I even shaved upwards so my face is actually smooth! Not that that will last very long, but that's not the point.
I feel...invigorated. Revitalised.

I feel so good, I want to know how to keep this feeling. I want to be this way all the time. If I ever get depressed again, (and heck, I probably will knowing me) I'm going to think about seriously seeing a shrink straight away and looking into anti-depressants or something. God that was an awful time. And just WAITING to get better, that was SUCH a waste of time.

I haven't felt this good in...shit...um, years. Seriously years.

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

2006-09-01T01:40:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone!

You know what I love? Summer.

Wierd, I hardly remember Summer last year. Well, some bits, but for the most part I don't remember it. But this year is different. I don't think I like Winter anymore. It's too cold, and I used to love the cold, but I don't now. The only thing I like about winter is that I get to wear my jacket.

Summer is just so...the perfect weather for ice-creams. And walking around barefoot. And girls not wearing as much clothes. And sun shining, and wanting to get out of bed, instead of just sleeping all day. Mmm, I can't wait for Summer.

Can't believe I forgot to mention the most important thing that happened to me yesterday.

2006-08-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

I got swooped by a magpie! For the first time ever! Followed quickly by the second time ever! Man that was fun.

Things I did today.

2006-08-31T07:30:00.000-07:00

1. 6 loads of washing
2. 1 sink of dishes
3. Bought $130 worth of groceries
4. Wrote 1 half of a song
5. Installed Half Life 2 onto my computer, though it doesn't work. Probably for the best.
6. Watched some TV.
7. Computer games.
8. Drove Alan to Centrlink. He's going to give me money soon.
9. Completely avoided looking for work.
10. Ate 7 profiteroles.
11. Updated music on my iPod
12. Went for a bike ride to and around Lake Weroona, while listening to my iPod.
13. Noticed that a LOT of people have some sort of headphones on nowadays, when walking around.
14. Woke up 5 times.

I feel bad. I told Gawain I would write a song for him, for his birthday, but nothing happened. Even the half a song I have isn't really a birthday or Gawain song. I know he probably doesn't mind, but I wanted to give him something special for his 21st. I still wear the bracelet (*cough* I mean armband) he gave me for my 21st everday.

I hope I can think of something.

I had a dream last night, and it fit me like a glove...

2006-08-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

I don't remember how this dream started, but at some point I was in my car at an intersection, and I looked at the car next to me, and it was Jamie/Jenny/Penny/George and we were both turning right, and then we were riding bikes, and there were about six people all riding bikes, and I told the kid in front of me to watch out. And then we were riding on the footpath next to a park. And we were all going somewhere together, and I was talking to Jamie/Jenny/Penny/George a bit, about some random thing that I can't remember apon awakening. Then the bikes were gone, and we were all walking.

Then I woke up for a bit. And when I fell back asleep we were all getting out of the car (a four wheel drive, that was shiny blue and probably has no bearing on the dream at all, except that it was expensive and certainly not *my* car). And we were at some sort of a party, at what I think was supposed to be Harlequin's parents house. And Harlequin was upset about something, and Jamie/Jenny/Penny/George had gone off to console her, and I almost followed, to talk with Jamie/Jenny/Penny/George but decided it wasn't worth it.

(Current Music: The song from Sailor Moon!)

Then, it was no longer Harlequin's party, and it was Spacegirl's parents house, but it still sorta looked like Harlequin's house, but bigger. And Spacegirl's ex boyfriend was there (Not a real ex boyfriend, but he was her ex in the dream) and Spacegirl's parents were trying to make hints that they should get back together, and I was thinking "Where's Tintin? I don't think he's even met Spacegirl's parents." (In real life, Tintin actually *is* her boyfriend, and talks to her parents all the time) I didn't like this ex-boyfriend. He was this short, but very well built guy. He had a big smile on his face, but it seemed very fake. And there seemed to be a hint of violence behind that friendly face of his.

I don't remember some bits, dream stuff happened. Then it was the next day, and I woke up. I was on the couch, and there were sleeping bags everywhere. Spacegirl's friends were collecting stawberries and putting them down her top. Apparently she was trying to get pregnant, and this was some sort of fertility ritual. I told them all that I'd eaten a whole punnet of strawberries the day before (which I actually had in real life eaten that night) and then I walked outside, somehow with a handful of strawberries. And there was a big long table with people on it. For some reason the family had invited the town around for breakfast. It was like some tiny tiny town in my dream. One of those ones where everyone knows each other. I said good morning and everyone laughed and someone told me it was afternoon, and a couple of guys got up and told me all the work they'd done this morning. And they made some jokes about how us "city folk" are allergic to hard work and I just laughed and took it in stride, though I got the feeling they were really trying to be antagonistic. But since I didn't bite back, everyone seemed to accept me, and I shook hands with some guy (I actually had to put the strawberry ends bits in my other hand and wipe the juice off before I could shake hands. Wierd amount of detail I thought, for a dream) and he said he wanted to show me some thing, and there was like a crowd of people all doing their own thing. And then StalkerMat came up to me and say "Hey man, have you been avoiding me or something?" and I said "No, not at all" and then there was this other guy who had a ball and yelled out "Hey lets all go play dodgeball" and I thought "ooh dodgeball". But then someone else had taken my hand, and there were so many people everywhere and I was being dragged in all these different directions.

And then I woke up.

(Current Music: The Metre - Powderfinger)

Urk

2006-08-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Last night, at about 1 o'clock, I was just going to go to bed, when I decided I'll just watch one episode of Scrubs. Eight and a half hours later I went to bed.

So now I've finished season 3 of Scrubs. I dunno, it made me think. There was this whole thing where JD liked Elliot for years and finally told her, and then when he finally got her he realised he didn't want her. And there was some explanations of his behavior. Like he idolises women or something. He wants what he can't have.

JD's Narration: I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.
Elliot: Well, Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.
She snuggles close to him, and he finally takes a moment to realize what he has
JD's Thoughts: Oh, my God! I DON'T WANT HER!

See, the funny thing is, I've said JD's first sentence in my head like a hundred times. Not all at once, spread out over about eight years. Never actually really *got* whatever girl I was obsessing about to actually find out if I would have been the same.
I never could admit that it might be the case, that it might not be real love. Just some stupid infatuation.

Now I wonder. For the first time in eight years I'm questioning the very core of my being. Have I ever been in real love? Would I even have recognised it if I was? Honestly, I find the idea really quite disturbing. It's not something I want to believe, but it keeps coming back to me.

Personal growth sucks.

SCRUBS ROCKS

2006-08-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

I borrowed season 2 and 3 of Scrubs off a friend of mine the other day. God I love that show. Doctor Cox rocks my socks.

Exhaustative

2006-08-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

I actually had a bad day yesterday for the first time in yonks. A day that which, at the end, I wish I had stayed at home and read a book instead.

Nothing particularly bad. Just spent most of the day driving through and around Melbourne, which really stresses me out. I've never done it as much or for as long as I did yesterday. I mean, I wasn't doing it for me, this trip. I was doing it for Roger, and there were some happy moments.

I bought season 1 of Goodies for my dad, for Fathers Day. Credit Cards are evil.

Yeah, it was wierd. I was walking around Crown Casino and I just felt so sickened by it. So much money, millions spent to build a place that reeks REEKS of affluence. A Temple made of gold that worships Gold.

A couple of weeks ago I made a decision, as soon as I am out of debt, spare money goes to charity. Anything I don't need for food or bills or rent. I was reading some thing about helping people, that old saying about the only thing that is required for evil to prevail is for good people not to do anything. Well, whatever it was, it really hit me. I realised I haven't done any good. And worse, I realised that I could have. I could have got a job at sixteen, and earnt a lot of money since then and given that money to starving children in africa.
I didn't though, I chose to do other things instead. And when I did get money, I chose to spend it on different things. People generally, I think, believe that they would save someone's life if they were in a position to do so. Especially if there was no risk to themselves. But the truth is, most people in Australia are in a position to save peoples lives, with no risk to ourselves at all.

I wonder, how many people would be alive that aren't if I had lived my life less selfishly.

It's a horrible thought, and I try not to dwell on it, because it doesn't do any good to think about people I can't save anymore. Except that it motivates me to do something different. As soon as I have money I don't need, I will give it to charity. I don't know which one yet, but I guess it's going to be a while until I'm out of debt anyway. I owe about a thousand dollars on my credit card and I owe my parents another two thousand or so, possibly even three.

I should probably try to one day have some goal to earn some real money, so I can do more good. But I doubt that will happen. I want to do good, but I won't make myself miserable to do it. That is selfish of me, but I can almost accept that about myself. But if I ever make some real money from writing, or music, or whatever, I'll give it to charity.

INFoPedia

2006-08-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

All this stuff I've been doing lately with my mum with Myers Briggs personality types. It's all quite interesting. So I thought I'd take a minute to go through my own personality type.

Of the 16 categories, I am an INFP.

The first part is between Introversion and Extroversion. Me, while I feel that I can extrovert fairly well, I'm an introvert at heart. I was fairly close on this one though, between introversion and extroversion. Basically though, my mum always makes sure to explain that these terms don't mean exactly what they might mean in normal context, they're jargon.
Being an Introvert on this scale simply means that I draw my energy from alone time. Extroverts on the other hand draw their energy from spending time with other people.

The second part is between Sensing and iNtuitive. In this context though, these terms refer to how I prefer to gather information. A Sensing style person will basically see what is in front of them. Whereas the iNtuitive person will see ideas. The excersice and the example my mum does is she says to people "What can you tell me about this?" Now everybody does both behaviors, the personality test just shows what your preference is. In any case, sensing type people will in most cases tell you that it's an apple. It's red. It's got spots on it. It's got skin, etc etc. An iNtuitive person will go off on tangents like adam and eve, Newton, William Tell etc etc, and might not even mention that it's an apple.
Basically, Sensing people see what is in front of them. Sensing types tend towards hands on careers, iNtuitive types tend towards academics. Although this isn't so much the case nowadays with more pressure to get a degree. Sensing people can be seen by iNtuitive people as stupid, plebs, that sort of thing. iNtuitive people can be seen by Sensing people as off with the fairies, unrealistic, etc.

Next is the scale between T and F. Thinking and Feeling. This is where most conflict occurs. Now that isn't to say that Thinking types don't feel. Or that Feeling types don't think. it's about decision making, and prefered function. Basically, Thinking types try to be objective, to be logical, that sort of thing. Feeling types would tell you there's no such thing as objective, and follow their heart. Me, I'm a very strong feeling type. Which puts me in the minority as a guy.
The statistics are that 70% of guys are Thinking types (the other 30% are Feeling) and for women 70% are Feeling types (and 30% Thinking).
Good words that can be used to describe a Thinking type: Objective, Logical.
Bad words that can be used to describe a Thinking type: Cold, Heartless.
Good words that can be used to describe a Feeling type: Sensitive, Caring.
Bad words that can be used to describe a Feeling type: Touchy, Oversensitive.
Thinking types are normally quite good at telling you how they've come to a decision. Whereas a Feeling type might say something like "my gut tells me".
I think it's interesting, there are some sayings about women that I can quite clearly see are more about feeling types than women in general. For example "Women's intuition" is likely a feeling trait, and since most women are feeling type it stands to reason that people would generalise in that way. The other one is "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" this is a really feeling type thing. We can be the most caring creatures you'll ever meet, but if we feel that we've been wronged in some way... Well, we can be pretty damn hurtful.
Again, everybody does every action, it's just prefered function. I do quite a bit of thinking style sometimes. I've gotten quite good at explaining things in a fairly logical sort of way. Mostly because my mum is a strong Thinking type, and before she knew anything about different personality types she sort of drummed it into me that that was the way people were supposed to be.

Lastly is J and P. Judging and Percieving, which don't mean judging or percieving at all. I dunno why they use these words, but they do. Best way I can think to describe it, organised or disorganised. J are the type of people that make lists and use them. P's make lists and lose them. J's are about completion. Like to get things finished. Good at deadlines. P's are about keeping options open. P's are spontaneous. Fun. J's can be boring. They can miss out on fun if they don't schedule time for it. Yeah, strong J's will actually schedule time for fun. My mum does this. But at the same time, J's get things done.
Me, I'm a terrible P. Messy as hell and never finish anything, terrible at deadlines. Don't like to plan things too much.

I want to get all my friends to do this personality test so I can find out what types they are. Mum says you can't tell anyone "You're this type" because it's up to every person to decide for themselves what their type is. The test is really just a guide. I found out Ben, as in Sarah's Ben, is an INFP like me (he did the test). Of course that doesn't mean we're the same person. Just similar in some ways. It's kinda fun trying to work out what types my friends are, but I'm not very good at it.

Wow. This is probably a really boring post.

O.O

2006-08-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

zOMG.

I am BORED, from playing COMPUTER GAMES. Bored OF playing computer games. This is a good thing though, I think. I will write a song tonight. Or maybe a short story, or I might read a bit more. Something anyway.

I realised the other day that I have everything I want from life. A house to live in. Constant food and water. A computer. Music. My guitar. Hands, with which to write and play music, and a mind full of ideas. Good friends, loving family. More than enough books to keep me occupied until I die.

What more could I want? A girlfriend, sure, that'd be nice. But I am completely content with my lot in life right now. So, yeah, that's pretty cool.

Tattoos and Marriage

2006-08-22T00:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

Aside from a small amount of time in Primary School when I proposed to a girl I had a crush on, I've never really liked the concept of marriage. A large part of this comes from this idea that I have of myself when I'm older. Married to a woman who doesn't love me, who stays with me because it's comfortable or because I'm nice, or because the problems she has with me don't seem important enough to get divorced over. Creepy as it sounds, I've had this idea of myself for a *very* long time. As in, I think since I was seven years old.

There's some pretty deep-seeded insecurity there or something. I really don't know too much what that's about. But yeah, I've always seen marriage as a promise that should never be made. Maybe there's also a lack of trust on my part. That I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with me for the rest of their life, or that they'd be honest enough to do the right thing if they realised too late that they didn't.

The *wierd* thing, is that I really love the idea of friends forever. My cousin and her best friend got tattoos of their initials SR and RS for Sarah and Rachel, or Rachel and Sarah. And I just thought that was awesome. The sort of togetherness those two have is amazing, and I wish I had that myself. And that made me think about what people say about "I married my best friend" and I thought, if I had a friendship like that, a friends forever friendship, that turned into something more, that would be like. Wow.

Then it hit me like some kind of ton of bricks. Maybe that's what real love is. Every girl I ever thought I loved I was always too scared to even be myself with. I was watching some movie the other day, called "Alex and Emma" and mostly it was about this guy (who was a writer) and his realisation that that dream girl, she's just a dream. And that there's something way more amazing than that.

Hmmz, well it's food for thought anyway. Well, my thought anyway. Most people seem to have their lives all worked out, but me I know I've still got a lot of learning to go.

I want to play guitar, I want to write a new song. I'm just distracting myself from what I'm supposed to be doing.

Ultralite - Spiderbait

2006-08-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

I'm calling out to you
There's nothing I won't do
I'd like to see you smile
If only for a while
And when I get your call
You make no sense at all
Did I forget to say
You're looking good today?

I've always liked the way
You brushed three times a day
You like to keep 'em clean
You know just what I mean
And when I say your smile
Sparkles for a mile
You tell me what to do
To go and brush mine too

Would you like for me and you
To go on talk it through
You can stay for a while
And excersise your smile it's up to you
To find the way
To brighten up your day
'Coz I've got so many things I'd rather do
And I'd like to go and do them without you

It's another day
You're back around my way
You tell me that you will be
Anything for me
So if you came to tease
Then use your hanky please
I'd like to keep mine clean
You know just what I mean

Procrastinating.

2006-08-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

I should be writing right now. That thing about my grandma, for Write Club tommorow. I keep putting it off though. Mum wants to read it before I put it in, and I'm a bit worried about that. I'm almost certain she won't like it. I think maybe Mum is hoping for something beautiful and a real testament to who Grandma was, but I can't write that. I don't know Grandma well enough for anything like that. All I can do is write about it from my perspective. *sigh* This was a bad idea.

Somehow last night I slept funny, with my leg totally bent, and now it hurts. I'm hobbling around the house, looking for things to distract myself. I just started playing Neverwinter Nights again, mostly because I've been playing DnD, and that made me think about it a lot. But it's not even that great, I keep thinking maybe it'd be better if I was a different character.

Reluctantly, I've found myself liking Snow Patrol a lot. I didn't really want to like them, but my sister asked me to download some music for her, and she wanted one of their songs, but didn't know what it was called, so I just downloaded a few. And I listened to them to see if they had the lyric she was looking for, and yeah, I quite liked it. And I keep getting the songs stuck in my head. So now I'm downloading some more of it.

Oh, and there's this other song I really love. "Middle of the Hill" by Josh Pike. Like it's really awesome. I actually thought it was a Ben Lee song, but it's not, it just kinda sounds similar.

Oh, and I got this other song, "Vindicated" by dashboard confessionals that I heard like a couple of years ago, and found the chords for, but never really knew how it went well enough to sing it properly, but now I can, cos I've got it now. yay!

One wierd thing I realised the other day, most songs that have Rain in the title I really love.
Like "Tears and Rain" by James Blunt
Or "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor
Or "Who'll stop the rain" by John Fogerty
Or "The Rainbow Connection" by Kermit The Frog (I heard this song for the first time a couple of days ago. It's so beautiful. I cried.)
Or "Have you ever seen the rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Or "No Rain" by Blind Melon
Or "Kathy's song" by Simon and Garfunkel (Okay, it doesn't have rain in the title, but it's got rain all through it.)

I think there might be others that I can't remember too. Pretty sure there is.

Ooh! And I love "Red Right Hand" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I haven't heard it in years, but I just found it on my computer and I was like "oooh! yay!" and "Lotion" by Greenskeeper.

Arg, god! Too much good music. Brain overload. I'm totally just trying to distract myself from what I'm supposed to be doing. And dammit, it's working really really well.

Ho Hum.

2006-08-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I was over at Mat's house today. We played DOTA, and I was like "DOTA, DOTA, why does that sound familiar?" Then I remembered and I was like "oh, that's right. Blech" But I played it, and it was fun, though I'm truly terrible at it.

I finished reading my very first discworld novel the other day. I quite liked it. I haven't really read very much the past, um well the past couple of years really. I'm hoping to change that. I used to be a reader. A real reader. Maybe not a book a week, but at least a book a month. I liked that.

I've been playing a lot of WoW lately, too, but that lost its funness pretty damn quickly again. I keep thinking "NOW I remember why I gave my account away." But at the same time, there's like a responsibility to it almost. Like, since I'm in Mat and Simon's guild and stuff I should be online, so we can party together and so forth. What is it they say? If it's no longer fun, walk away. Hmmm. It's eating up my life. But I can get a mount soon....

ERg, anyway. Next weekend I'm going down to Melbourne, because Roger is going to Clerks 2, with a press thing or something, where you can talk to Silent Bob, the director. I'm not going, but he needs a lift. And he said he'd pay for petrol. And buy me a meal or something.

I might see if I can hang out with a friend while I'm down there, if he's not too busy.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

2006-08-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I've been doing quite a bit of music lately. Recording stuff, not writing anything new. I've got a copy of 'Runaway' now that I'm kinda happy with. It's even got piano in it! And I really like how 'Memories of you' sounds. I was feeling really unsure about the whole song for 'that guy' but then I played it and thought, no I do like that song. I was gonna do a very rock-style version of that, I even played drums for it, but it was hard to get a riff for the electric guitar that worked well, and I'm not that talented a musician. So I'm gonna do an accoustic version for now. Gotta record 'she took my heart away' one of these days too.
Ah, so much fun, doing music stuff. I want to write more songs, if only I'd sit down and try.

Anyway, someone suggested myspace for music, so I might try that one day soon. And anyone that's interested can have a listen. I remember like a year ago a couple of people asked me for a copy of a song I'd written. But then, neither of those people like me very much anymore, so maybe there's not much point.

Bah, but anyway. That's not important. Sleep, sleep is important.

Whatever you say it's alright. Whatever you do, it's all good.

2006-08-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

So, coffee went well. All that crazy nervousness went away as soon as I actually saw her. I completely relaxed. Just coffee, just talking. It was nice.

Later I was handing out resumes, just finished actually, and I ran into Ben, and we had lunch. I've seen quite a bit of Sarah and Ben lately, it's been good. They're cool. Ben's been lending me books (I've got 4 of his now) and I swear I'm gonna start reading them soon.

*sigh* Ever heard that saying that when you point the finger at someone, you're pointing three back at yourself. Try it, if you look at your hand, you'll see that you are. Anyway, my mum says it's like the things we hate most about others, the things that make us the angriest, are the things we do ourselves.

The other day, I was at the Vine, and I saw this guy I kinda know. I was asked to show him around at Open Stage like ages ago, and he asked for my number, because he didn't know anyone in Bendigo. I gave it to him. And I even hung out with him a couple of times. But honestly, he creeped me out. His secret handshake thing just reminded me of Loclan, and, well he was just wierd. I stopped answering my phone when he called. When I'd see him at Open Stage or the Vine or whatever, I'd make some half-arsed apology. Mostly, I'd say "I've been really busy." I dunno, I get the feeling he likes me. Which is just annoying to deal with. Plus I really don't want to hang out with him anyway. He's not a *bad* guy. But he is annoying.

So I just don't call, though I always say I will. Always pretend that I'm friends with him, but I'm not. I feel bad for being this way. I know it's not the right thing to do, and I do it anyway.

I guess...I haven't dealt with that guilt very well. Not directly just with this guy, but quite a few people I've behaved this way to, pretending to be friends with people I don't like. (Not anyone who reads this blog though, if you're thinking it might be you.) So when I saw this behavior in someone else (or perhaps more accurately, what I *percieved* to be this behavior) I...reacted poorly.

God that's hard to admit. The thing I stood up against, with all my moral indignation and said "THAT IS WRONG! How COULD YOU!?!" (Didn't actually say those things, but emotionally, it was all there) it's actually something *I* do. Me.

I am the enemy here.

Wow. My mum once said that our subconscious hides things from us until we're ready to accept them. To shield us from truths we can't deal with yet. So it waits for today, which was such a *good* day too.

Okay, dammit. I can deal with this. *breathe*. Ah fudge. I don't want to hurt the guys feelings, but I don't want to hang out with him either. At least...at least I'm aware that I do this now. That's something. I'm learning. Slowly.

And I'm not going to let myself do the whole self-loathing thing again. I can't be bothered. Not that I don't feel bad. But sliding into depression or whatever did nobody any good. I made people smile today. I did some good. And I plan to do more. I make mistakes. I will make many more before I die. But I'm not going to let that stop me.

Is this what direction feels like? Is this what Life feels like?

GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!
(I go off- Diana Ah Naid)

AAAAAH!

2006-08-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Heya Anyone,

So, um...drunk right now but really need to unload my strange stress. I was at the Pub tonight, at about 1 in the morn, and I saw Patches. Y'know, the girl that a couple months ago said I deserved better, and two weeks ago gave me her number and told me to call her (and I didn't! Cos I'm A CHICKEN!!! Or busy or whatever excuses I have). Anyway, I saw her, and we chatted a bit. And then I couldn't see her anymore, and she seemed to be gone, so I messeged her, and said my nightclub conversation skills suck and how does she feel about coffee, and after a few messages we agreed apon Coffee on Thursday.

COFFEE! AAH!

I can't believe how (THURSDAY!!) nervous I am. Like totally irrationally (COFFEE!!!!!) nervous (THURSDAY!!) about it. I mean, it's just coffee (COFFEEEEEEE!!!!!).

When I was drunkenly tried to explain my nervousness to someone, I attributed it to like playing poker (because we both like to play poker). It's like when you start with a good hand, and you put all your chips in, but you have no idea what's going to come out on the cards next. Your blood starts to race, your hands shake. Girls are more important than cards any day, too.
At the same time, I tell myself it's no big deal. If she doesn't like me, then what have I lost? Nothing. I could never have a future with a girl who doesn't like me, so really all I'm finding out is if we're compatible or whatever. If I even really like her. I mean, I've "liked" her for umm (counts the months) about ten months? But, I can't say I've really spoken to her that much, so heck I dunno.

Anyway....So...Just hope I remember this in the morning. OH GOD COFFEE!!!

My Mum, the arteest

2006-08-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

A little while back, my mum went on an art therapy course, and did some pretty amazing drawings. One day she's hoping to actually run a course like that, so it's cool. She drew a picture of my sister, and it was like some sort of desert warrior woman, holding a sword above her head. Serene and confident. It didn't look like Jess, but it WAS Jess. I told mum "Wow, that is Jess".

Then mum told me she'd drawn one of me too. But that Dad had said I would be dissapointed, because it was small compared to Jess's. I told her I would love to see it anyway. She turned the page, and showed me the picture she'd drawn.

It was drawn completely with grey lead, and it was a valley, filled with trees, and mist and floating through the trees was almost a sea of ideas, books and music and things. Above the valley, a small picnic blanket was lying there, footsteps leading to the cliff edge, where a lone wolf stood and looked over the valley.

"The Journey Begins" was written underneath.

I cried. I couldn't help it. It was just so beautiful. The week earlier I told her about the dream I had, the reason I call myself the wolf. And she totally got it, she totally understood what it meant for me to be a wolf. I gave her a big hug, and thanked her.

Later Jess told me she saw her picture and she told me she cried too. Just because that picture was everything she was about. I am so proud of my mum. She has insight I never believed. Uncanny.

I want to get a copy, and when I do I might see if I can scan it or something. Put it on here.

Arrr ya ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN!!

2006-08-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

So I owe my parents a lot of money. I haven't been able to pay them rent for um...well lets say quite a while. I told them this week that I can start at least paying them rent again, and then I guess I'll work out how to pay them back some how at some point.

Mum let me know they really need me to start paying rent again, like they don't have much money themselves, so it's good timing in a way. But they need the whole $150 a week, and without a third person in the house that makes it a bit steep for me and Alan. Well, mostly for me because Alan doesn't have any money. He's getting things worked out with centrelink too, and in the meantime he's said he'll pay me back when he can.

So of the $400 a fortnight I get from centrelink, $300 of it is going to rent. On top of that I just got bills for $200. Of course I don't have any money saved for bills. I used my credit card to pay for last months bills.
So I'll be using my credit card to pay for bills again.

Heh, I'll start eating again when I can afford it.

I've realised I don't really handle money problems very well. Like I get pretty stressed with it all. But I'm more aware of it now. I was getting really angry at Alan for not taking the bin out (in my head. I didn't say anything to him about it) and I just calmed down and breathed, and told myself this was just stress about bills. And that helped.

Besides, I'm still holding out some hope. Knowing things will get better.
Once Alan gets payment from centrelink things will be easier.
Once we get another person in the house, things will be easier.
Once I get my tax back, things will be easier.

One good thing I did today: The dishes, for like 2 hours.
Song I am listening to right now: Puttin' on the Ritz - Taco

God I love this song!

The Facade

2006-08-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

Today, I was assisting my mum with this Myer's Briggs course she teaches people in. She gets me to sort out the test results of people into groups. It doesn't take me long to do, so I had a lot of time to listen to the presentation.

One bit really hit me, she was talking about this thing called a "Johari window" and there was this bit about relationships between people. Basically she said something like when two people don't know each other at all, they have a facade. The facade is the mask you put up to hide the personal and possibly vulnerable things about yourself. As you get to know the person better, you slowly lower the facade. You tell them something a little personal about yourself, and you judge how they react to it. If they don't do something horrible like blab your private information or mock you or something, you begin to build trust and things like friendships can form. You can tell when you have conversations with people who don't let down the facade. People like salespeople. They can hold up a conversation just fine. But after the conversation, you get this feeling, that you still really don't know that person at all.

I heard my mother say that, and I just felt sad all over.

But I came good in about an hour. I still feel sad about it all, but there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I just have to accept Caroline's decision.

In other news, yesterday I was thinking I still really want to call those girls. Patches mostly, even though I wasn't sure if she gave me her number as a friend thing, or a possible date thing. But I haven't called. The past two weeks I've been busy pretty much every single night. And I realised, hanging out with my friends still came before hanging out with a girl I like. One of these days, when I'm not busy, I really do want to call her and maybe grab a coffee or something. But I'm happy with my life at the moment.

That's right, I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT!! I can't remember the last time I've said that. Maybe I should have said that last year, when I had some really happy times, but I didn't. I was too busy dwelling on stupid crap. So wierd that I don't feel like there's something missing in my life just because I'm single. I haven't felt that way since....sheesh since like 2002? Even then it didn't last long.

Maybe this won't last long either. Maybe this is just a backlash from the depression I've been going through. Right now, I just want to enjoy it, every last moment of it. Happiness. Capitol H.

Pocket Kings and shit kickers

2006-08-09T05:08:00.000-07:00

Hiya Anyone,

Turns out it wasn't poker with buddies at the pub, it was actually the National Poker Leauge or something. And it was way fun. Exciting too. I can't remember the last time I've felt my heart racing in my chest like that. My hands shook. In the end, I came 8th out of about 25. Can't wait for next time.

I'm suddenly not sure about putting my music on the net. I played it for Alan and Roger and they said it was really poor quality. Though, they always hate my music. I dunno, just not very confident about it now. Maybe I should wait until I get better recordings. The ones I have on my computer now I did before Dad bought the mixer.

I've been reading a lot of Sin City lately. And watching Noir movies in American Cinema. Makes me want to write something dark and gritty. *shrug*

Whatever happened to that TV series I was going to write? Whatever happened to that book I wrote two chapters of? I wish I was better at completing things. I read that Love Potion story again today, for the first time in about a year, and I was so pleasantly surprised. Like "Wow, I wrote that? That's not bad" I just wish I was better at completing things.

I'm so hungry, so hungry, so very very hungry.

2006-08-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

I saw a poster on the wall at Uni, for Dungeons and Dragons. I was curious, but a little worried. I mean, it could be pretty scary. Pudgy figures, hunched over their rare forgotten tomes of Dragon lore, making obscure jokes about old AD&D rules from back in the eighties, snorting furiously. But I worked up my courage, and gave the number a call. The guy was really friendly, and he used the word "Groovy" twice in the short conversation. AWESOME!

I went, and there was one guy who looked pretty scary, long hair, thinning at the top, typing away at his laptop for updated rules of DnD. But when I actually spoke to him, he was really very friendly. The Dungeon Master was this very nice, funny guy who did an amazing job of facilitating the adventure, or whatever you wanna call it. I mean, I've done DnD a bit, with quite a few different DM's. This guy was good. He made me realise I am not a DM. I just don't have that kind of skill that he has.

Tonight, I went to Write Club again, for the first time in yonks. Played them a song I wrote. Promised I'd bring along that Love Potion story I wrote last year. Promised I'd bring along that one comic I drew a few months back. Promised to write a piece for the womens issue coming up (I've decided to write something about my Grandma. I'll ask my mum. It was wierd, It wasn't until the time I visited her in hospital that I started to hear so many stories about her. About her childhood, her family, her life. At the funeral I heard more. And basically I'm just going to tell that. The stories I heard about her, and hopefully make it interesting enough to read.)

Now, I've just finished Write Club and I'm off to play Poker with some buddies. It's so wierd, looking back to when I was depressed. I couldn't even *concieve* of my life getting better. I guess it just goes to show, as long as you're alive there's always hope.

Why is it OHIO friends anyway?

2006-08-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

OTHER FRIENDS: Never ask for food
OHIO FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

OTHER FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
OHIO FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

OTHER FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
OHIO FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but that shit was fun!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
OHIO FRIENDS: Cry with you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
OHIO FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

OTHER FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
OHIO FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
OHIO FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

OTHER FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
OHIO FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Are for a while.
OHIO FRIENDS: Are for life.

OTHER FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
OHIO FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste!!"

OTHER FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
OHIO FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!

OTHER FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
OHIO FRIENDS: Will repost this

I'm normally not a fan of blog forwards, or any forwards for that matter, but this one touched me right here *taps chest*. It goes right to the core of what real friendship is all about, for me.

I can't believe I let myself believe there was something wrong with me for wanting that sort of friendship from the people I care about. I can't believe, for so long, I stopped making a real effort to catch up with my friends. I can't believe I felt like *I* would look like a fool if I was always the one organising to make time with my friends, if they never did the same for me.
For SO LONG, I have let fear of looking like some sentimental idiot stop me from showing my friends how much they mean to me.

Not anymore. No way.

Only a fool tries to be cool by making his world a little bit colder.

O.J. Rezzes his gf!

2006-08-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Okay, here' s my new revised life plan.

I'm gonna dole/work for the rest of the year. Next year I'm gonna enrol at TAFE, doing a one year full time course, Proffessional Writing and Editing, while I do one subject so I'm still enrolled at Uni. Then the year after that, I'm gonna look at a music course at TAFE, while still doing just one subject at Uni. I know, that way it's gonna take me forever at Uni, but I don't really mind. I don't think I'm ready for a degree anyway. I just want to keep that door open.

My parents seem really excited about my music at the moment, which is really nice. Dad bought a sound mixer yesterday, so we can mix songs better. He did back up on the violin too, of the songs I recorded. Sounded really nice too, though he does need more practice, but then so do I.

I might see if I can link it on here somehow at some point. But I'm not sure how to do something like that. I think I need to have somewhere on the net to put it first. But I think I might be able to get a hold of something like that...not sure.

ANYWAY, went to the interview for that job at National Tiles. Turns out, I think I might actually like it. Didn't see Frank Walker at all, and the people I talked to seemed really nice. Well, we'll see if I actually get the job. It's only like one day a week anyway.

Well I'm signing off, gonna go try to write a song now. Make sure dad gets his money's worth.

Cheerio.

My Little Crack Den

2006-08-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Anyone,

Neroli moved out a couple of months ago. We parted amiably, which was good. My place was only ever temporary, and she and her friend finally found a place they were happy with. Alan and the guys are glad she's gone, cos she was kinda scary, and insulted us for being nerds. But she was okay. She left owing about a hundred a fifty bucks, but, well I wasn't gonna make a big deal about that after I broke her chair.

Until we get someone else to move in, I've decided to turn her room into a crack den. We've got the whole broken matress in there, and a traffic cone I stole sometime last year.

All we need now is a whole buncha needles on the floor. And possibly some crack. And someone to smoke the crack.

Aww, this sounds like too much hard work. Do people even smoke crack? Jeez oh man, I don't know my drugs well enough. Which one uses needles? Heroin?

A goodbye

2006-08-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

It was her birthday on the 8th of July. But I wasn't there for her birthday. Of course I wasn't there, she was already gone.

I can't say that I miss her, because it's not true. Not that I don't love her, but I never really knew her. With her living in Melbourne, I never really saw her very much, except for maybe Christmas and Birthdays. When we did speak, it was only really smalltalk. I knew about her more from what others told me, and the same went for her knowing about me. I can't say that I miss her, because we just weren't very close. Practically a stranger to me.

I am sad that she's gone though. I wish I'd gotten to know her better.

Goodbye Grandma. From what I hear, you were an amazing woman.

/vomit

2006-08-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

Hi Anyone,

Well, I'm back in the land of the living, I guess. My blogs no longer about venting anymore. Now, I'm just gonna use this thing to let my friends know what's going on in my life. The friends I have left anyway.

The last thing my grandma told me before she died was "Life goes on." I've heard people say that a hundred times, but I never really got it before. She was right though. The last few months I've lost a lot of things that were important to me, but I made it through. As long as you're alive, there's a chance for things to get better. I actually realised today that I was happy. Not just happy, I was also sad, and content, and hungry, and still angry, and a million different people from one day to the next. But happy was definitely there. Someone gave me some advice to remember that, to catch yourself feeling happy and make a note of it. Otherwise, you can forget that you are happy sometimes, and think that you're always sad. Or at least, I know I do that.

Music: Live - Lightning Crashes

I've been finding the good things in my life again. My music, my friends, computer games, my mum, my dad, my sister, my writing.

Goods things that have happened to me lately:
1. Wrote two new songs.
2. Recorded two of my songs onto computer for a guy in America who runs an online radio station and reads my livejournal and asked if I could send him some songs.
3. Went out Tuesday night, got wasted, and two girls gave me their number, and told me to call them.
4. Got a new computer, started playing WoW again. level 33 priest! yay!
5. Started doing Roleplaying again. Level 2 Druid! yay! I love my character. He's like me, except more fun, and a bit of a sadist/masochist.
6. The uni seems to think that I was UNAWARE that I was enrolled last semester, and sent me a letter just letting me know that if I DIDN'T unenroll, that I would be billed for this semester. So, somehow, I'm still enrolled at uni! I failed every one of my subjects, no show cause hearing, nothing. This semester, I've switched to part time, I'm doing a whole 1 subject. But it's awesome, it's American Cinema, and class starts at 5 in the afternoon and goes till 8 cause we watch a movie! I only have Uni 2 days a week, and it's so cool!
7. I'm on the dole now, which is good because well, MONEY! And I don't even have to work for it. Heck, maybe I should feel bad for taking taxpayers money or whatever. But fuck that. Billions of taxpayers money gets wasted on much more frivolous shit than keeping me fed and sheltered. Like submarines, and fucking ad campaigns and god all sorts of crap.
8. I actually told my parents I failed, and the world didn't end!
9. Um, that's all I can remember right now.

Oh, as for the whole /vomit thing. That's because...I applied for a job with that whole jobsearch thing, but they don't tell you what business it is till you've applied. And...I got an interview for one place (which is cool, it's actually the first place I've applied for) but the place is NATIONAL TILES!

THAT'S RIGHT! TEN NOLAN STREET BENDIGO!

If Frank Walker is there, I'm gonna have so much trouble not smacking him in the face everytime he talks.